Vaccine topics have divided society more than any of us would wish. A chasm yawns between different opinions, and instead of understanding there is hostility. Estonia is full of people crying for help in different directions, whose voices seem to get muffled in cotton wool somewhere. This breathless shouting is socially almost as suffocating as the disease we are fighting.
Paradoxically, the key to the solution lies in the problem itself. For several days, Ott Lepland’s song “Kuula” (“Listen”) has been haunting me – a Eurovision song that won many hearts and that, years ago, the audience at the night song festival “Järjepidevus” in Tartu heartily called for an encore. It seems to me it is time to hear Ott’s message.
Listening is my everyday work. I listen to my clients as a coach, trainer and therapist. I also teach and train listening skills in all these roles, and I know it has a huge impact. When we truly listen, with the wish to understand, rather than thinking at the same time about what to say back next, time stops. We are here and now. We see the speaker and understand that somewhere deep inside we want one and the same thing. We share the same values and are part of one whole.
Although I am a trained listener “with certificates”, I too have lately lost my awareness more than I would like to admit. I have rather tried to share my own view, and when it hasn’t been understood, I have crawled into my burrow or looked for support from like-minded people, feeling like a victim: “No one listens to me!”
Noticing this, I started consciously practising listening. I have looked for chances to listen to those who think differently from me, doing it out of a wish to understand and without wanting to change them. And I have felt that I really do understand them. Understand them completely! I have also felt that when I listen, they listen to me too. Listening dissolves the picture of the frightening monster we have created of each other, and we really see one another. What a relief it is! A physically tangible relief.
On one of these listening walks, a good friend of mine asked: “Reet, if you were prime minister, what would you do in the current situation?” My automatic answer was: “I would never want to be in that role!” The burden of responsibility that decision-makers carry today is insane. But the question kept haunting me. What would I do?
Today I feel that I would call on everyone in Estonia to listen. I would set an example by listening myself. I would create opportunities for listening to happen: I would bring together people with different views (virtually or in some other safe way) and create a space where all voices could express themselves, where they would be heard, simply in order to understand. When people feel heard, they can take down their psychological defensive walls, and from that place solutions can emerge that today perhaps no one can even dream of.
Conscious and deep listening is a liberating, healing and change-creating process for both speakers and listeners. The speaker feels understood, and the listener feels that the whole responsibility no longer rests on them. The speaker and the listener don’t have to reach agreement for cooperation to begin from the openness that has arisen. You don’t have to be prime minister to ease the crisis. Each of us can do it by taking on the role of listener in our family, circle of friends and community.
How does listening work?
Listening is simple and complicated at the same time. It is technically simple, but getting yourself into the right state of mind can prove a challenge.
Listening requires:
- A calm mind.
- Presence – you are present with all your senses and your thoughts are not in the past or the future.
- Sincere care for the person you are listening to.
The technical side of listening:
- Be curious and try to understand. Imagine that the other person is like an exotic foreign country you are encountering for the first time in your life: you know nothing of its climate, landscape, culture, history and so on. The only way to find out is to explore and listen.
- Show that you are listening. Use body language (eye contact, a sympathetic facial expression, an open posture) and supportive sounds (“Mhm”, “Yes…”, “Yes!?”). Let pauses hold, because silence creates space for thinking and going deeper.
- Ask open questions. These questions often start with “What?” or “How?”. They don’t steer the speaker or lock them into yes/no answers. Avoid the question “Why?”, because it creates the feeling that I have to defend myself. Remember a situation from childhood when your mother or father asked: “Why is your room not tidied?” Then you understand how the “Why?” question works.
- Reflect back how you understood. Reflect the content, the body language and the feelings: “Did I understand correctly that this happened…?”, “When you talked about it, your voice got louder and your hands started talking along vigorously…”, “It seems to me that you are angry/sad/disappointed/…”. Don’t worry if your reflection isn’t accurate. It gives the speaker a chance to see the situation through an outsider’s eyes and to get in better touch with their own experience. They can always correct you by saying what they really experienced or felt, and this increases clarity for both of you.
- Thank the speaker for sharing their thoughts with you. Gratitude makes our body produce happiness and wellbeing hormones such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin and slows down the production of stress hormones – in the person expressing thanks, the person receiving it and the onlookers. Gratitude is a powerful support for immunity and an antidepressant.
- If you want to share your opinion, ask whether the speaker wants to hear it. They too need to reach the right state of mind first. Check whether they are ready for it, and if not, listen some more if possible or give them time; otherwise the problem escalates.
I wish you deep listening and being heard!
NB! Listening is also one of the basic skills in holding developmental conversations. Sunergos has developed a thorough developmental feedback e-course (in Estonian), in which, besides listening skills, you can also develop your skills in giving and receiving feedback:
- you become aware of what influences the effectiveness of a feedback conversation,
- you practise giving and receiving feedback through practical tasks, and
- you learn, with video lectures and sample videos, to give feedback better.
About the author: Reet Neemoja is a process-oriented psychologist and coach with international experience, who has spent over 15 years supporting the development of various leaders and organisations – as an HR manager, a management board member and an external consultant. Today Reet Neemoja works as a management consultant and partner in the Sunergos team.
(The original article was published on tervis.postimees.ee on 2 November 2021)
